If you give a girl a backpack, she's going to ask to go on a hike.
You will agree to join her on the first weekend of autumn and she will begin to plot out the perfect route. However, you will be asked to bring the snacks.
When you show up with the agreed upon food items, she will realize that she needs a bear bag. Upon grabbing the designated sack, she will notice that she does not have an appropriate length rope. She will request that you stop at an outdoors store on the way to the mountain to procure some.
When you stop to purchase the rope, she'll realize she needs to fill up her water bottle which is in the depths of her pack. After ensuring proper hydration, you both will continue on to the trailhead but when you arrive, she will realize that her pack is now out of order and she must re-pack it.
She will be quite pleased with herself and will stare you down as you finish shoving the random assortment of items left for you to somehow fit into your pack. As soon as you hint at being ready, she will take off down the trail, up and down the rocky hills, in betwixt the trees, and over a drying brook or two. All this activity will start to make her stomach grumble. She will ask to stop for dinner.
You will bust out your assortment of snacks – burgers, gouda, olives, cherry tomatoes, grapes – which she will graciously devour and then be ready to take off down the trail once again. But as the sun begins to set and the food starts to digest, she will start to get sleepy. You will have to set up camp.
But before the tent can be pitched, she’ll remember that the bear bag must be hung. She has watched a video on this. How hard could it be? She will expect you to take the lead on setting it up. Repeated throws and snorts of laughter later, the bag will be properly elevated and secure.
The tent will quickly follow suit and soon you will be all snug in your sleeping bag for some much needed sleep. But now she will be wide-awake. She will ask you to play cards. You will strongly encourage her to enjoy a game of solitaire but to your dismay you will be suddenly awakened 10+ hours later to her gently prodding you to get up and catch what is left of the sunrise.
She will quickly dismantle the tent as you curse the cold morning air while you finish packing up your things. At least you will happily discover the bear bag set-up remained intact and unconsumed. As you hand off the food to be shoved into her pack, she will mention that she might want some breakfast.
As you hike farther down the trail, her comments regarding her stomach will become more frequent. When you suggest taking a break, she will have to find the perfect spot. She will climb up to the tippy top of the hill and just when she reaches the ledge, she will notice that some other people also thought this was the perfect spot… to relieve themselves. She will scurry back to where you are still standing and declare a new perfect spot. In the middle of the trail.
She will want to make sure you enjoy your breakfast, so she will offer to make you a cup of tea. While she is making yours, she will also make one for herself. With caffeine.
As you sit and enjoy your meal, she will see other hikers making their way down the trail. Because you are seated in the middle of it. Smack dab in the middle of it. She will want to get back on the trail.
As you scramble to follow her highly caffeinated self, she will become ever more distracted with all the sights and sounds. She'll want to check out the various trees and critters. She will want you to investigate them too. As you both take in all that nature has to offer, she will continue to lead you down into the woods. You will mention how you much you love this backpacking excursion and also state that you wish the trail would start to incline.
When you reach an unanticipated road and parking lot, she will realize that she has missed a turn. You will have to turn around and backtrack a half mile with 1000 feet of elevation gain. You will regret your previous statements.
She will quickly climb back up the trail and find the correct trail hidden by a missing marker. She will claim it does not count as getting lost. When you ask her if she wants to check the path with the GPS, she will tell you no. Thirty seconds later she will become nervous about going the wrong way and not making it back on time. She will ask you if she can check it. And then she’ll ask you to check again a few minutes later as she continues to lead you lead up to the top of the mountain and then down back into the woods. She will take you through a valley of boulders and eventually meandering down a gently graded, pebbly path toward where you started.
As you near the end of the trail and approach the meadow that leads you back to the car, you’ll mention how it was a perfect weekend adventure. To which she will reply – when can we go on a hike?
notes:
if you live in the nyc area, get your bum to harriman state park/bear mountain. the weather was perfect this past weekend for all kinds of exploring and for you leafers out there, it's almost prime foliage spectating season. you can read more about this area here and about backpacking here.
i know. i sometimes call them hills and i sometimes call them mountains. while they're named mountains, it is a bit of a misnomer to those of you who have experienced the 10k+ variety of the west.
and yes, this post is very much based on if you give a mouse a cookie by laura numeroff.
