A few years ago I had that big scary thing happen. I know we all have had ours, and mine paralyzed me internally for quite a while. (I've now learned that's a little thing called grief.) Each year since I've tried to focus on an empowering word or mantra every birthday- something to look forward to, cling onto, and get out of that hole.
First it was to HEAL- to have the courage for the very painful and very patient process of healing. Stop picking the scabs back open. Stop pretending. Feeling the feelings- letting them wash over me, but not drown me. Tread that water.
The next year it was to be HAPPY- to find freedom and enjoy life and all of its joys again. It may have been an indulgent year and involved cupcakes, Coronas, and frequent visits with the ocean. It felt like that was the next step of healing and finding the Grace that I thought was lost. To heal enough to enjoy life again.
Last year it was to be BRAVE- I had healed, I was enjoying life again, but now it was time to start making moves. Time to be bolder in life and take some risks in relationships, performing pursuits, and career ventures. The Grace before that big bad thing was pretty freaking bold, fearless, creative, and so eager for life. I craved to have her back. I felt I had become comfortable, had grown my skin back over those wounds, and I got my heart pumping, skin tanned, hair untamed, and feet dancing again. I had survived some bad things, and stood by some friends during theirs... What did I have to be afraid of? It was time to cut the cord from fear and things that didn't serve me and move on.
What a year it has been... and I hope continues to be.
This year? I've got two. Cause I can and I make up the rules. They are TO GO & TO GIVE LESS OF A F***! Time to stop waiting for people to come around or change- that's on them. Time to stop waiting for opportunity and embrace entrepreneurship, because this city (and this world and this generation) is full of people hustling and creating their own opportunities. And I'm all about creating! We can spend our whole life waiting. Or waiting to do something until we've got everything perfectly lined up (aka perfection paralysis). Not when you're twentyGREAT.
This blog serves as a reminder to look for those little beauties in the world around us as well as an exciting challenge to explore new places (and my lovely adventure partner Meg is an extra bonus)! And I'm thankful we keep discovering new things in the city I've lived in for nine and a half years now.
If you haven't figured out what lupines represent yet (hint: read this), they stand for finding beauty in the world, whether that's in a new place or a very familiar place, and planting them too. The beauties sitting around the table with me last night as I celebrated another year are lupines for me and some of my most cherished possessions. I don't know what could be a better gift than to be able to look around you and see the eyes of love, of people who have walked with you through your story, have cried and giggled with you, have challenged you, and who know you so well. Isn't that what we all want? To be known, like really known? I couldn't feel richer. They're scattered all over the country, but I'm thankful I got to dance with some of my lupines last night.
notes:
-we ate at bodega negra... some nice fancy mexican food and lovely decor. i mean i'd eat guacamole for every meal if i could. it was a nice crowd for a Monday night, but I fear it's quite different on the weekends. beware: later in the eve, it becomes #locomonday
-billy's cupcakes are currently better than all else. (they've beat magnolia for a few years now) the TWO i consumed last night: banana nutella & of course one with pink icing!
***yes, the only notes are about food.